


you & i

by areticentreader



Category: Original Work
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-11-01
Updated: 2016-06-20
Packaged: 2018-09-22 10:26:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 40
Words: 21,260
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9603983
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/areticentreader/pseuds/areticentreader
Summary: dear infinity,if only i had known that you never were.she is perfect, and he thinks it’s only fair that he should tell her so in a form of communication that would last as long as her name implied. he wants to let her know that she is his universe, and he is but a small star within it. he doesn’t realize how true that actually is.





	1. step nulla » to infinity and beyond

**{ e x t e n d e d • s u m m a r y }**

dear infinity,  
if only i had known that you never were.

**_~*~*~*~*~_ **

she is perfect, and he thinks it’s only fair that he should tell her so in a form of communication that would last as long as her name implied. he wants to let her know that she is his universe, and he is but a small star within it. he doesn’t realize how true that actually is.

beyond has always kept an eye on the sky and his head in the clouds. he is a dreamer, a hopeless romantic, the kind who would buy flowers and chocolate and compare the object of his affection to a star in the sky. when he finally glances down at the earth, he falls.

hard.

for the girl named infinity, he would give up astronomy just to spend her namesake with her. and, like the classic charmer he is, beyond decides to express his love—and subsequently records his entire relationship with infinity—through a series of letters.

* * *

**{ e p i g r a p h }**

i want to be  
in love with you

the same way  
i am in  
love with the moon

{Sanober Khan}

**{ d e d i c a t i o n }**

To those who fall easily and fall hard, and to those who can’t help but give their heart to anyone who will take it.

**{ a c k n o w l e d g m e n t s }**

A huge thank you to God, my friends, and my brother, especially my guy friends who have answered my questions about how they view the world and how they find love.

**{ w a r n i n g }**

» purple prose  
» sexual themes  
» sunken ships

* * *

**{ p r e f a c e }**

I've decided to start off posting my work on this site with this book, for some incomprehensible reason. Though this was not my favorite story to write, I do hope you enjoy it because I literally let the sappiness suck my soul out of me. Let me know what you think about my very first attempt at sappy romance, please?


	2. step i » problem {epigraph}

your hand  
touching mine.  
this is how  
galaxies  
collide.

{Sanober Khan}


	3. one » intersection

dear infinity,

we met today.

you were standing in front of the moment of transcendence exhibit, and i couldn’t help but marvel. you looked almost heavenly, and the winglike sculptures seemed to only add on to your celestial features.

i had gone to introduce myself to you, ignoring the rest of the students clambering down the staircase, eager to leave. i never understood why they had chosen to take an art elective if they didn’t even plan on enjoying the beauty around them, but i was glad to find out that you at least held the same kind of appreciation that i did.

first, we discussed the sculpture because it was an easy topic of conversation. after all, it was right in front of us. however, easy topics of conversation are also easily exhausted, especially between two strangers. one can only look at a constellation for so long before he—or she—wants to find another.

our small talk moved on to even lesser things, such as which art class the other was taking—i’m in studio art while you’re in art appreciation—and favorite artists and pieces and such. your favorite painting is composition viii by wassily kandinsky, i remember. you said it was because you enjoyed trying to figure everything out. i wanted to tell you that maybe there were things that weren’t meant to be figured out, but by the time we climbed onto the bus to head back to school, the conversation had ended, and you had turned away to talk to your own friends again.

i don’t know if we’ll ever talk again, but that’s all right. i understand that sometimes the planets align only to wait a hundred lifetimes before aligning again. i guess the only reason why i’m writing this is because you’re the brightest star that i’ve seen in my sky in a long time. i hope you keep shining brightly.

sincerely,  
beyond


	4. two » increasing function

dear infinity,

we met again today. actually, we met again tonight. i thought our first encounter would be our last, but i am so glad i was so wrong.

you walked into my family’s diner near closing time. i was surprised you weren’t with your friends; after all, every time i’d seen you at school, you’d been completely surrounded by people. in class, at your locker, during lunch, as you walk out of the bathroom—no, i haven’t been stalking you. i (and you, i suppose) have fallen victim to the baader-meinhof phenomenon, also known as the frequency illusion, in which something one has recently discovered seems to pop up everywhere. the way my eyes instinctively lock on you has nothing to do with the way my heart rate speeds up every time i hear your laugh or see your smile.

and it definitely had nothing to do with the way i could barely write—nevermind legibly—down your order because you just looked so _beautiful_ sitting there, joking around with a guy you’d only spoken to once in your life, nevermind the fact that you’d only noticed me because i was the one who noticed you. i was grateful, however, because business had been slow that night, and i’d already sent the rest of the staff home. having someone to talk to is almost always better than not, and the fact that my someone was you was even better.

you are my venus, shining so brightly that most others might mistake you for just another star in the night sky. however, i can spot the differences between you and the millions and billions of other dazzling celestial bodies, and, let me tell you, you are something to behold. you are one in an infinity—pardon the pun.

so i invited you to look for venus with me in a couple of nights. for a moment, i doubted myself, wondering if i had spoken too soon, if i had wanted something more than what either of us was prepared to give, but then you smiled and agreed. you soon excused yourself, however, because it really was growing late, and i understood. when you left, i realized that it was a half hour past closing time, and dad told me to take out the trash tonight.

i think it’s amazing how fast time flies by when you have someone to spend it with.

sincerely,  
beyond


	5. three » perfect square

dear infinity,

you were perfect tonight. you're always perfect, anyway.

i was so nervous all day. i think my sisters could tell, but they didn't say anything because they were too busy fawning over a music album that was either released recently or is going to be released soon. i honestly can't tell.

my friends definitely knew something was going on, and they weren't afraid to ask me about it. i have to admit, it was a little embarrassing that i had to tell them that i was taking you out to go stargazing, and i hadn't even bothered to call it a date. i don't know what you consider it, but i hope you at least think it was romantic.

my friends tried to help me get ready for our "outing," which was why i was almost late to pick you up. i know you've never met them, but even a blind man can tell from afar that their fashion sense is lacking. in the end, i settled for flannel over a t-shirt and some dark jeans, but you already know that because you saw me when i picked you up.

your dad was intimidating enough, but your brother especially scared me. of course, i didn't have—and still don't have—any intention of hurting his "baby sister," but that didn't mean that his threats didn't make me almost wet my pants. i think he'd be a good overprotective dad when he grows up.

but enough about your brother. tonight—and every single moment since i met you—was about  _you_. you looked absolutely dazzling without even trying. you are my venus, my alcyone, and i honestly couldn't believe how lucky i was to be able to spend that evening with you. (i still can't.) i almost wanted to run away because i was so intimidated, and at the same time i almost wanted to run to you because i wanted to kiss you like our lives depended on it. (i still don't know if it could be considered a date, though.) however, i stayed rooted to my spot, partially because i literally couldn't move a muscle and partially because your brother was gripping my shoulder so hard that i think it's bruised now.

i knew that these things didn't really matter, however, because of the effect you have on me. an infinite number of thoughts were racing through my mind, but i couldn't think a single one of them.

when we arrived at my favorite stargazing spot, i had already flubbed at conversation, asking you the same questions about art that i'd asked you on the day we met. i'm glad you were smart enough to keep the conversation going past the topic of kandinsky, though he is a fascinating character, in my opinion.

while i set up the telescope and searched for venus in the sky, you mentioned how cold it was, and my first instinct was not to offer you my flannel but to ask if you had brought a jacket. (i'm sorry.) after a minute, i did manage to get it right and give you my flannel shirt, but i have to admit—it was freezing. once i had gotten the telescope set up, you offered to cuddle up with me so we could share the flannel, and i had the sense to take you up on that offer, except that i replaced the flannel with the windbreaker that i'd tossed in the back seat of my car.

i chattered into your ear some facts about venus that you probably didn't need to or didn't want to know, but you, being the perfect soul that you are, humored me and kept the conversation alive beyond pointless facts and scientific guesses. i think i amused you with my rambling, but the fact that i was sharing your body heat was far too unnerving for me to really notice.

then i ran out of things to say, and you laid the conversation to rest. i suppose the most romantic thing i could have done was let us settle into a comfortable silence, but the peace and the quiet and the proximity became all too much for me all too quickly, and i jumped away with the excuse that i was far too warm. the moment i moved, however, i instantly regretted it, but there was no turning back at that point. i shivered in silence, wishing i'd had more luck in the charm department, when you reached out and laced your fingers with mine.

and for a full hour and forty minutes, we did nothing but admire the starlit sky.

sincerely,  
beyond


	6. four » normalizing a vector

dear infinity,

we haven't seen each other in over a week. i hope you haven't been avoiding me. maybe that night hadn't been nearly as perfect as i originally thought, but i know you are perfect, and i know i miss you.

it's a bit strange, i suppose, that you've become such a constant in my life, but i can't take you out of the equation now. i'll never find the solution if i just eliminate a variable altogether.

i see you walking toward me now—

we just talked about it. you said you were nervous because you had such a great time, and you didn't want to mess up what we had. that's okay. you even apologized, even though you didn't have anything to apologize for. i can't find anything that you did wrong.

we made plans for friday night, and you promised that it would be your treat this time. i insisted on handling all the details, though, because i feel like i still need to prove myself to your brother. he's been giving me death glares in the hallway, and i can't help but feel like i need to do something that will convince him that i have no intention whatsoever of hurting you.

my friends have been bugging me nonstop about meeting you, too, but i don't know if they'll scare you away or not, so i've been brushing them off. i have a feeling that they'll go to meet you on their own, however, if i ignore their requests for too long, and that will most definitely end in disaster.

maybe if this second hangout goes well, i'll feel confident enough in my friends to let them meet you. but for now, i think i'll keep you to myself.

sincerely,  
beyond


	7. five » exponential growth

dear infinity,

i don't think you realize just how much my friends love you.

you are all they talk about with me anymore. i never knew they enjoyed asking so many questions. when am i going on another date with you? wait, we're not even really dating? then what are we, if not boyfriend and girlfriend? friends with benefits? but what about—

they are so bothersome sometimes, but i love them anyway.

i remember that when i finally decided to bring them to meet you, i was just hoping that none of them said anything too stupid. you all got along really well, much to my surprise, and i cannot be more thankful that you put up with them for as long as you did.

but this all would never have come to pass had our second hangout not gone well. it had been a pretty basic outing—just dinner and a movie—but any moment spent with you is a moment i will always cherish. it amazes me how much you can amaze me, honestly, because not a day that i've spent with you has gone by without a surprise from you, whether it comes in the form of a deep, well-developed bit of philosophy about an often overlooked subject or just in the way you are so dazzling, so beautiful, that you are the brightest star in my sky—maybe even the only star in it, for me at the very least.

my favorite part of the night was definitely when we stopped by that old book plus coffee shop near the city limits. i learned that you loved drinking coffee in the midst of books—the "illusion of an appreciation for the past," you called it—and we laughed over this quirk of yours because you didn't even enjoy reading. i, however, found it endearing, just as i found your nickname—finn—endearing, even though i find that i prefer calling you infinity. it's just so much more poetic, don't you think?

you gave me a nickname in turn, which i also happened to find endearing. people might get the wrong idea if you call me bey, but you and i both know that we're just friends.

as we pulled up at your house and into your driveway, i couldn't prevent the sinking feeling in my stomach at the sight of your brother waiting for you and maybe even for me on your front porch. i had been hoping that you would take your brother inside with you so that i wouldn't make an awkward mess of myself in front of him, but i guess you knew that i needed to get this confrontation over with because you told both of us goodnight and disappeared into the house fairly quickly.

he turned to me, asking if i was serious about you. i told him yes, but i also told him that you and i were just friends. he gave me an odd look but nodded along with what i was saying. before i left, he forced me to promise that i wouldn't hurt you.

it was odd, really, because that was the same thing my best friend made me do while we were playing video games today. i suppose i should have known that you would give him a really good first impression and a billion good impressions after that, but it was still a nice surprise that he asked me to take care of you.

i would never plan on doing anything but take care of you, you know. the night sky is more breathtaking with you in it.

sincerely,  
beyond


	8. six » impossible event

dear infinity,

people have been telling me that you got yourself a boyfriend all day. can you believe that? i don't know why they're telling me, though, because it's not like we're anything more than friends.

what i want to know is, why haven't you told me that you're dating someone? it is definitely something i would want to know as friends. i have to make sure that he's good enough for you. i would never approve of your relationship if he was but a lackluster meteoroid trying to orbit around the beautiful venus. i mean, that's my duty as your friend. isn't it?

as i mentioned before, it was a little odd that they were all telling me, even including a couple of my friends, but maybe it had to do with the nickname you gave me. don't worry; i love it. but i'm guessing people think you're saying "bae" instead of bey. that's okay, though, because i know what you mean even if the rest of the universe is determined to twist the truth until it's purely a lie.

i've never seen this boy they told me you're dating. i would like to meet him, however, as i told you before. i thought we were pretty close friends and that you dating someone would be something you'd tell me.

i guess i was just wrong.

but that apparently doesn't stop people from mentioning to me that you are dating this mysterious boy. there was even someone who asked me if we—you and i—were dating because that apparently had been the rumor before this unknown idiot showed up. but i said no because we could never date. there is no way a girl like you would ever agree to go out with a guy like me. besides, we're just friends, aren't we?

sincerely,  
beyond


	9. seven » point discontinuity

dear infinity,

it hurt me at first. crushed me even, or quite close to it. i guess i just didn't bother believing in all those rumors because that's all rumors tend to be—rumors. talk doesn't mean anything if there's no substance—no action—behind it.

this time, however, those rumors held a grain of truth. you did go on a date with that one boy—whose name, frankly, i haven't bothered to learn. (i do feel a little bad, but i'm quite satisfied with the friends i already have.) however, it was one date, and in this world, one date doesn't amount to much if there aren't two or three or four more following it.

but you did go on that date. i don't know if there were any others after, but i know you went on a date with what's-his-name. i saw you both, laughing together next to your locker like you were the only two who mattered in the world.

nevermind that you and i had agreed to go to your house and do homework together. nevermind that you and i are supposed to be closer friends than this random boy you went on a date with a week ago. nevermind the crushed feeling in my chest, the blood rushing to my head, the way i saw red.

nevermind the friendship i thought we'd been building up for some weeks now.

but then you saw me. you looked right into my eyes and saw me. and you smiled. and then you waved. and it was like the world was right again, and i could finally  _breathe_. you told him goodbye and hurried to my side as if that was your only purpose in life.

for a brief moment, i wondered if it was. if you and i are meant to be together, to stand side by side, to walk hand in hand for all of eternity. for the entirety of one of your namesakes.

but brief that moment was because the first thing you did was apologize to me for taking so long, giving the excuse that you were just scheduling another date with him. in that solitary moment, i felt my walls crumble and my bridges burn and my whole world fall into a black hole, but i did my best not to let it show because you didn't deserve to see that, because you didn't deserve to see anything but the good that you naturally emanated from your soul.

so i suffered in silence because it made you happy.

sincerely,  
beyond


	10. eight » conditional

dear infinity,

i never thought i'd come to this realization. in fact, it took my sisters five hours to convince me of it.

i like you.

i think i really do. there's no other way to explain why my heart skips a beat every single time i see you. there's no doubt in my mind that this is why the heavens open up to shower you with light every time i look at you. there's no other reasoning behind the orchestra that plays and the choir that sings in the background every moment i spend with you. there's not a chance that i could become so irrationally jealous whenever i see you with another guy if it weren't for the fact that i have an absolutely astronomical, positively titanic crush on you.

if i ever told you, what would you think? would you squeal and jump into my arms, professing similar feelings from me? would you smile and nod but pretend that i never said anything? would you scorn me like theseus scorned ariadne?

yet i know you would never be so cruel. you are incapable of such cruelty because kindness and selflessness simply radiate from your entire being. i suppose i just can't help but doubt myself in your perfect presence.

life can be viewed as a series of causes and effects. because you ordered a cup of coffee, the barista serves you a cup of coffee. because you didn't study for the tests, you are now failing the class. because i haven't told you how i feel about you, you and i are still nothing but friends.

there's a certain beauty in being "just friends." there's little pressure to impress anyone—not you or your parents or even your intimidating brother. yet it makes everything so difficult, knowing that there are boundaries we may never cross together. that is what hurts the most, i believe.

life is much more than the past affecting the present, however. the circle of life includes the future, the what-ifs, the conditional statements. if you eat your dessert first, you will not have much of an appetite for your dinner. if you do not let your fears control you, you will be able to do many things with confidence. if i tell you how i feel, nothing will ever be the same.

and if you're going to demand honesty, that frightens me. the thought of our relationship changing in ways i can't even imagine is something i find i'm not quite willing to risk, for the great unknown is a place where even the dauntless tremble, for uncharted waters are where even the most experienced doubt themselves, for the possibility of our friendship falling apart because of me is something i don't think i'll survive. i don't think i'll ever be able to survive without you again.

but will i be able to last as just another friend? will i sacrifice a great love we could possibly share together and pretend to be content with just staying by your side as  _just another friend_? honestly, i don't think i'll be able to do that, either. this is the dilemma i've come across.

perhaps i'll let you know when i've made a decision.

love,  
beyond


	11. nine » bernoulli trials

dear infinity,

you would never believe how scared i am right now. i am frightened beyond your wildest dreams, more than the worst—or best, i suppose it could also be—horror movie you will ever watch could make you feel. i could almost die of fright.

maybe you do know just how scared i am. you probably do. i mean, i did run away—i'm so stupid. i ran away, and now here i am writing you a letter about just how scared i am. since when had i become so nervous, so anxiety-ridden, so unsure of myself? i'm almost certain it began with you. that's the kind of effect you have on me and everyone else around you.

your answer is a variable i may never want to find, though our relationship is an equation i definitely want to solve. however, that one small unknown will have a earth-shaking impact on the galaxy that is us, and while it may give way to new horizons, i'm not sure if it was worth the possibility of destroying the very foundations of our relationship.

but then again, you're worth the risk. no, you're worth infinity times the risk because you are my sun, my moon, and my stars, and my universe would be very bleak without you.

i suppose asking someone out is something of a bernoulli trial in and of itself, with only two possible outcomes: success or failure. i hope i have found a place within your heart that will not lead me to failure.

you might ask if we could stay as "just friends," but you and i both know that we will never be able to settle into the same routines. the hurt will linger in my heart no matter how much i will try to hide it, and the awkwardness will hang in the air above your head no matter how hard you will try to stave it off. eventually, it will become all too much, and we'll drift away from each other.

perhaps you and i were meant to fail. after all, the planets don't align themselves often—and never do they align perfectly.

i suppose i am being too negative. after all, you haven't given me an answer yet. i barely glimpsed your face as i spoke and before i ran like a coward, but i imagine shock was written all over it. i could only hope that your expression then turned into one of delight, or else i may never be able to look at your face again.

love,  
beyond


	12. ten » addition

dear infinity,

i can't believe it was just that easy. all i had to do was ask you out, and you said yes. you said, "yes, i'll go out with you." what's even more surprising—and a more than pleasant surprise, i assure you—you followed your statement with, "how does saturday night sound?"

and i replied that saturday night sounded wonderful. and it was. because we were there. and our galaxies collided in the most beautiful array of light.

i didn't kiss you, however. how could i? i orbit around you. you are my planet and my earth, and i am your satellite and your moon. if i were to draw close enough to even brush your atmosphere, i would burn up. if i came any closer at that moment, i would come speeding toward you without a thought for caution and would crash into your surface and decimate you.

these things take time. i am willing to wait for you because you are my elysium. you are my new earth. and i will gladly wait a thousand lifetimes just to spend one with you.

to be honest, words cannot even express the ecstasy i am feeling right now, now that we have claimed each other as our own. and it was as easy as one plus one is two. or perhaps one times one is one because i firmly believe that two people who are meant to be together are simply one entity appearing as two. well, i didn't before, but i definitely do now.

you've opened up my world to new wonders, and i'm so grateful to you.

love,  
beyond


	13. eleven » monomial

dear infinity,

so many people at school have been asking me about you. about you and me. about  _us_. and there's just something so fulfilling when i say that yes, we are indeed dating. yes, i'm almost positive we're exclusive. no, it's not a joke.

i've been floating all day. the new development in our relationship has sent me to cloud nine—no, it has sent me to the moon, beyond the stars, past the boundaries of the known universe. here we are, two lovers who have nowhere to go and everywhere to be, wandering the stars together, trying to find a planet that can sustain our love.

but perhaps we're not in love each other quite yet, but i know i'm, at the very least, close to it. love is something that comes natural to me, i suppose. from birth, i have loved. my parents named me "beyond" because, they said, "his love will reach far beyond the edges of the universe." i am a being simply meant to love. and you are a being simply meant to be loved.

you, infinity, are simply created to receive love. i can't exactly attribute to only one of your perfect traits—or even a few. in fact, your whole existence just simply demands love, not in an overbearing way but just as a fact of life. you capture everyone's heart simply because you are infinity and you glow infinitely brighter than all of the mere mortals who inhabit the earth.

perhaps i'm already in love. i don't know if truly it's possible to fall in love in such a short amount of time, but probability and possibility were buried six feet under and lost in space the moment i saw you. i would never have thought that we would meet. i would never have thought that we would grow this close. i would never have thought that we'd be here now as  _boyfriend_  and  _girlfriend_.

i would never have thought that i'd be able to hear the words "he's" and "my" and "boyfriend" come out of your mouth in that order in reference to me. that's why it isn't hard for me to believe in something so illogical, so inconceivable, as the thought of me falling in love with you. it isn't quite as incredible as the fact that you and i are together.

together. as in boyfriend and girlfriend. as in we are dating. as in i like you and you like me back.

i think that's a miracle. but perhaps it's not so much a miracle on its own but a miracle of another's doing. perhaps we are like dionysus and ariadne, a couple written in the stars, commemorated by the heavens above and immortalized in the heavens above. that may be wishful thinking, but i only seem to think wishfully ever since i first met you.

i am so glad i met you. and i hope you're glad you met me.

love,  
beyond


	14. twelve » multiplication

dear infinity,

have you ever seen a shooting star? have you seen one grazing the late night sky, disappearing just as quickly as it appeared?

sometimes i think you are my shooting star. i know i've called you many things, but sometimes i fear that you're as temporary as my wish upon that star. that, someday, i'll blink and you'll have disappeared into the night. are my fears unfounded?

i think they probably are. there is no way i'll let you go, not after this night, not after that kiss. you were, for lack of a better word,  _perfect_  tonight. i know you always are, but somehow, if this is even possible, you were more perfect than i'd ever seen you before. perhaps it was in the smell of your citrusy perfume or the feel of your fingers playing with the hair at my nape or the taste of your lips against mine. whatever it was, you never cease to amaze me.

was tonight all right? i have to admit that i'm a bit worried. we shared our first kiss under the stars as i'd always wanted, but the night had been pretty ordinary regardless. were you impressed? are you disappointed? the only significance a starlit sky has in our relationship is that we had been stargazing—or, more accurately, venus-gazing—the first night we actually spent time together. but perhaps that night never meant anything to you?

i hope i didn't make a fool of myself as i fumbled with my keys after another awkward exchange with your father and brother. however, i'm almost positive i heard your brother laughing at my temporary clumsiness. i was sure to open your door first and let you climb in, and your brother stopped me before i went to open my own door.

he called out from the porch, asking me again if i was serious about you. i answered that of course i was. and i am. a girl like you, infinity, can only accept true devotion. and i told him that. the smile he gave me was undecipherable, as if it was hiding something important. then he asked me if you were serious about me. i replied truthfully, that i didn't know but also that it didn't matter. i'll wait until we're both on the same page.

i brought you to my favorite spot again, but this time, i remembered to bring blankets and food and candles. we spent a good hour or two just talking, which was admittedly nice. sometimes i wish i could talk to you more, about the things that really matter to me. someday we'll get there.

once we exhausted all conversation and fell into silence, the fluttering in my stomach began again. i know we've been dating for a few weeks now, but there are still times when you look at me and i feel as nervous as i was during our second encounter.

sometime in the midst of the silence, you murmured something under your breath. i leaned in to hear you better, and you mentioned how beautiful the sky was. i answered in agreement and turned to you with a smile. i almost jumped away when i realized how close you were, honestly. one look at you and suddenly i couldn't speak or think or even breathe. the only thing i was aware of was your proximity, and i had already leaned down and captured your lips with mine before i realized what was happening.

i hope our first kiss wasn't sloppy. i hadn't planned it beforehand or even given it much thought, so it was purely something that happened in the heat of the moment. i really do hope that the kiss wasn't bad, and i really can't remember the fine details of it because there were too many thoughts racing through my mind at once to even notice anything besides the fact that you are heavenly. you were smiling when we pulled away for air, however, so i like to think you enjoyed it.

i remember looking up at the sky just after our kiss in time to see a shooting star. you didn't seem to notice it, but i quickly made a wish on it anyway. i don't want to tell you my wish in fear of my wish not being granted. besides, i'm sure you already know what i wished for.

love,  
beyond


	15. thirteen » lemniscate

dear infinity,

today had been a quiet day for us, but i like to think that it was still special. we did nothing but laze around your house, sharing the occasional kiss, of course. your parents weren't going to be home for a long while, and your brother was off fooling around with his friends—or maybe his girlfriends—for the day, so i didn't have to worry about making awkward small talk with them or getting chased off by him. or perhaps murdered brutally is a more fitting term.

so, we were able to spend our day playing games, playing chef, and playing lovers. ever since i kissed you that night, all physical barriers have been broken, and i can't seem to keep my lips away from yours. you are my sun, the center of my solar system, and, though you may someday expand so much that i'll be burned by your flames, i would never be able to survive without you.

perhaps it's in the way that you smile at me, but i can't ever seem to look away, much like how the sun is mesmerizing despite the fact that it causes blindness.

and you do cause blindness. you have made me a blind fool in love, for i cannot see anyone but you. i am nothing but a planet orbiting around you, nothing but a moon in your night sky, nothing but a circle and you are my center. i am defined by the limit as i approach infinity, and i wouldn't have it any other way.

you mentioned today that your brother's birthday was coming up and that he was throwing a party. i know what kind of party you were talking about, and honestly, i loathe those kinds of things. however, i agreed to attend. for one, i sincerely hope that my presence at his party will earn me a few positive points with your brother (i swear i can feel him glaring daggers at me in the hallway), and for two, i will probably never be able to say no to you.

so, yes, i am definitely a blind fool for love.

love,  
beyond


	16. fourteen » moment

dear infinity,

to be honest, i'm a little nervous. you always seem to know what to say. you always have a witty remark at your disposal and a correct answer on the tip of your tongue. your brain always seems to know that one and one make two and that the instantaneous rate of change is also the slope of the line tangent to the point no matter what the circumstance is. (perhaps that is why you enjoy math so much. or perhaps it is because you enjoy math so much.)

yet you couldn't form a single coherent sentence. as you spoke, you were unable to string together words that another person who understood english could make sense of. by the time i reached you, you, my shooting star, had fallen to earth so quickly, so fast, that i hardly knew what to do. you had descended into a screaming, sobbing mess, and i didn't know what to do.

so i did the only thing i could think of. i gathered you up in my arms and cradled you like a precious baby, cooing and murmuring sweet nothings in an attempt to calm you down. when there was nothing left to be said, i simply fell silent, praying that you would make it out okay and that, somehow, i'd be able to be with you through it.

you didn't calm down for a few hours at the very least. by the time i looked up, the sky had darkened and the stars had begun to appear.

i didn't want to pressure you to explain. when i asked if you wanted to talk about it, i could see on your face that you were extremely hesitant, that you almost said no. and that would have been fine because you are never obligated to tell me what's wrong. you never were. (it is nice because we are in a relationship, but i trust you enough to believe that you will tell me important information.)

and to be honest, i had no idea what to do with the information you gave to me. i couldn't imagine something so horrid, so terrible, that had slipped right under my nose. i am so sorry that i have always been so ignorant to these things.

you made me promise not to tell anyone or anything. and i won't, as i promised you. i won't even write it in this letter for fear that once i have said it, i will say it again in a more public setting. don't worry about making me keep this secret. for what's one secret kept quiet in exchange for the smile of the one i love?

i think i'm in love with you, infinity. but i'm not scared of it.

love,  
beyond


	17. fifteen » union

dear infinity,

i think i may still be drunk. the party was horrible and everyone was disgusting, but you made it better just by being there, even though you were drunk like the rest of them. then again, so was i.

but everything was completely disgusting. the night had barely begun when people began throwing up on the furniture, the bushes, each other. many of the "dancers" left much to be desired. i managed to locate your brother and handed him my gift (i'd heard him talking about how much he wanted a video game that had just been released). i searched for you fruitlessly, and i'd had enough of the rib-collapsing music after a good half hour of looking for you, so i pushed my way to the backyard.

i don't know how long i sat outside before you somehow stumbled across me. literally, you tripped over your own feet and fell into my lap, your beer spilling all over me. you giggled and apologized, tugging me inside to refill your beer and to borrow some of your brother's clothes for me. i still need to return them, by the way. though i guess that won't be hard because i'm still in your house.

you handed me a red plastic cup as well, telling me that it was the only way i'd even remotely enjoy the party. i rolled my eyes and asked you why people even tried to enjoy those horrid things, and you looked me in the eye as you held that bottle of vodka and said they were a good way to just  _forget_  everything.

and i knew you weren't having fun.

so after you grabbed me a shirt and shorts from your brother's closet, i promptly dragged you to your room, surprising the couple on your bed. you screamed at them to get out, and i laughed at the disgust written all over your face. you looked so cute that i just had to kiss you right then and there.

suddenly i realized you had pushed me onto your bed and had closed and locked your door hastily. honestly, i was a bit frightened as you approached me, but then you sat down on the bed beside me, finishing your beer in one gulp and opening up the bottle of vodka.

sometime after we'd finished up the vodka, i was seeing the moon in your eyes and the stars on your skin. you drew closer to me and we collided in a way that a meteorite could never imagine. your kisses were long and slow, and suddenly they just  _weren't enough_ , and i couldn't get enough of you like i can't get enough of the universe.

perhaps you aren't just my sun, my moon, and my stars; perhaps you are my whole universe. maybe my universe wouldn't be bleak without you; no, it wouldn't exist. without an infinity by my side, i'd be limited to a finite realm of finite possibilities.

but now they're endless, just like your love. i know you must love me, somewhere deep down, because i heard it in the way my name left your lips and the way your fingers flitted over my skin and the way your lips desperately sought mine. and like matter loses itself in a black hole, i lost myself in you that night.

love,  
beyond

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know it's super awkward to leave an author's note when the chapters are super personal letters, but I'd just like to mark the end of step i. I'm so proud of myself for finishing this up (because the sappiness was actually pretty painful) and will post the epigraph for step ii once I write at least five chapters of it.
> 
> I hope you're enjoying the story so far because everything will fall apart in the next half. I mean, not much has happened so far, so there really hasn't been much of a reason for this part being so long, except for maybe slow, slow character building. I'm actually considering cutting down quite a few of these chapters if I ever decide to edit this story. Anyway, thanks for reading this far, and I hope you continue to enjoy the story!


	18. step ii » solution {epigraph}

"Mending a broken heart isn't easy. It's messy and complicated, but when it's finished, it's stronger than ever."

{Megan Duke,  _Infinite Limits: A Conclusion to Small Circles_ }


	19. sixteen » lyra

dear infinity,

everyone is raving about your brother's birthday party. but can i be honest? the party itself wasn't great. it wasn't even good. it wasn't even bad—well, okay. maybe it was just bad. i'll be nice and not say that i thought it was absolutely horrendous and disgusting. oops, i guess i did anyway.

the only redeeming aspect of that night was you, honestly. i could literally not care less about who hooked up with someone other than his girlfriend or who was caught giving a lap dance to whose boyfriend or who vomited on whose designer shoes. all of that is disgustingly temporary, fading away before the week is even over for most.

but you. you are and have always been much more than temporary. i can see you being a permanent fixture in my life, and i can see my time spent with you stretching for as long as one of your namesakes. spending that night with you was utter perfection, and i couldn't have asked for anything else with anyone else.

you are my eurydice, and i would travel to hades just to lead you to the upper world. i'm not saying that you are in hades, but i'm saying—well, writing, but that's beside the point—that i will never stop looking for ways to improve your life, to get you to the life you deserve to be living. you only deserve the best, my dear infinity, and i will never hesitate to give it to you.

i'm not going to lie to you—i really would travel to the depths of the underworld just to experience a night like that. you were perfect, and i don't think you can be anything but perfect. i'm still in awe of the fact that, of all of the guys you could have chosen, you chose me as your boyfriend. you've introduced me to new friends, new interests, and basically a new life.

what i dislike (or perhaps loathe would be a better term) about this new life is the parties. you've already planned to attend parties for the next few weeks, and as your dutiful boyfriend, i must come with you despite the fact that i would rather stay home and play video games or watch a movie with my friends (i haven't done that in so long) or just sit outside and gaze at the stars with you.

perhaps this is my sacrifice for love, for you, for nothing ever comes without a price. orpheus chose to journey to literal hell (or maybe only mythical hell, seeing as this is a greek myth) in order to save his beloved. i wonder if he was frightened as he left his home in search of the land of the dead, and i wonder if his hands were trembling as he played his harp in order to enter through the doors that no living man should have laid eyes on. did he doubt himself on the way to hades, wondering whether it was worth the trouble to ask for something—or rather, someone—who might never be returned to him? did he worry about his song choice or his fingers plucking the wrong string as he put his wife's life and possibly his own life on the line with only his gift of music to save them both?

maybe he did, and maybe he didn't. and maybe i'm not asking the right questions or wondering about the right things. for what does it matter whether he feared or whether he trembled in light of knowing he was on a journey to save his beloved eurydice from the pits of hell?

perhaps it would be better to wonder if he heard her laughter in his dreams and smelled her cooking as he woke. did he imagine her body lying next to his at night or the sight of her smile during the day? if i had been orpheus and you had been my dearest eurydice, surely i would have. for i am as mesmerized by you as i am by the stars, only infinitely more so when it comes to you, my dear infinity. and i will do anything to ensure your happiness.

perhaps the gods will immortalize our love in the stars like they did for orpheus and eurydice.

love,  
beyond


	20. seventeen » cassiopeia

dear infinity,

our school is, as always, full of rumors. it's quite interesting how interested other people seem to be in others' lives—interested enough, at the very least, to speculate about events in the lives of other students without any proof to support their speculations. but who am i to judge? after all, i do admit that the occasional rumor captures my attention, if only because i am bored with my own life.

in any case, the rumor i heard today was about us. of course, i don't believe it, but i have to confess that i considered its plausibility when i first heard it. in my defense, a person should at least take a little bit of time to determine if what he is told is true or if it's false, so as to prevent close-mindedness. but anyway, someone told me that you mentioned to your friends that you weren't sure if you were ready to commit yourself completely to our relationship.

and i must tell you that it troubles me. it causes me concern because i am wholly and utterly committed to making us— _you and me_ —work.

but i understand your fears. of course, we can't hold hands and prance through life. we're young, and we still have so much to learn, so much to experience. youth doesn't always make everything better. sometimes, the brazen, reckless nature of youth bulldozes everything good in its path. i just want to assure you that there's nothing we can't get through as long as we have each other. perhaps i am being too bold or brash or anything of that nature, but i'm not haphazardly trying to force my way through our problems. i just know that as long as we work things out as a couple and continue to properly communicate our feelings and our thoughts, we won't have to break up just to solve our problems.

yes, we will face problems. what true couple doesn't? perhaps rumors will threaten us. they have been looming over us since before we became a couple, and they seem to have multiplied now that we have. first, there are whispers about your doubts about commitment—which is an issue that we'll need to address—and then there are people who are convinced that you're too good for me, that you'll break up with me soon. there are others who claim that you're not right for me, that i deserve someone who isn't so superficial, so vain. oh, how wrong they are.

perhaps it only matters that we know the truth. i know that you're more than a pretty, popular heartbreaker, and you know that i am more than just a nobody in the halls. after all, there's only room for the two of us in our relationship.

rumors are a funny thing. perhaps cassiopeia never claimed to have greater beauty than the sea nymphs. perhaps she had just fallen victim to the nereids' vicious lies and their dangerous rumors. what if, say, they had seen her majesty, the queen, in all of her splendor and realized that her beauty could not be rivaled? what if they had grown jealous over the fact that this mere human mortal was an example of beauty they could never hope for? what if they had whispered lies into poseidon's ear that cassiopeia had insulted their beauty with her own vanity?

what if the myth was attacking the wrong person?

if that is so, then cassiopeia's only fault was her heavenly beauty (as is yours). even if she had made the rumored claim, it is quite possible she thought she was telling the truth. what does it matter if others are upset, as long as the truth remains?

i want us to remain as well, but that can't happen unless we communicate properly, and obviously we still have much to talk about.

love,  
beyond


	21. eighteen » cepheus

dear infinity,

i still hate parties with every cell in my body. it's exhausting, really, to drink until i am so overwhelmed by my uninhibited feelings that i feel numbed to the world and to wake up in someone else's house every saturday morning. it's completely soul-draining to have to constantly worry that you are going to be dragged upstairs in your drunken stupor by some other guy who doesn't know where his boundaries are (which is why i take you away first).

and it's killing me to pretend that i can just forget everything and that everything's fine and that everything's fun. because it really isn't, finn. everything is definitely not fine, and i don't think i can let you go on trying to drown your troubles in alcohol and parties and everything that implies much longer. these parties have to stop.

but at the same time, i know you can't and you won't. i know that you only go to these parties because you have to pretend  _if only for a few hours_. i just hate seeing you like this. i hate these parties. they need to stop, please.

i don't know how much more of this i'll be able to handle. i thought it would be fine, as long as you were happy, but wanting to do something and actually doing something are decidedly two very different things.

i do want you to be happy, but even more so i want  _us_  to be happy. and parties just pull you further into the void and push me further into my misery. we haven't even been on a date in forever because you always have a party scheduled for us to attend. i want us to return to our initial happiness and bliss because that is the way i have learned to get over pain and suffering— _by replacing them with happiness and joy_.

perhaps cassiopeia's other fault was that she let her own daughter be sacrificed for her beauty, regardless of whether or not she claimed to be more beautiful than the nereids. no, actually, that is not correct. if cassiopeia truly believed that that statement was the truth, then the one who was at fault for offering up andromeda was not her but her husband, king cepheus. he willingly gave his beautiful daughter up for a problem that was cassiopeia's own, and i don't think he even hesitated when the gods demanded the princess in exchange for peace once again.

and may the world curse me until death if i let our relationship—the product that results from the multiplication of you and me—be given up because of a problem that might possibly have a better alternative. like i have mentioned before,  _i love you._  i refuse to give you up, not when we've come this far, when we've given ourselves, heart, soul, body, and all. i absolutely refuse to let such a bright shining star such as yourself slip through my fingers. i absolutely refuse to give up.

so please don't give up on us, on me, or on yourself. you haven't found the answer to the equation called your life yet. just talk to me, please, and we'll figure out a solution together. you are worth so much more than what you're giving yourself.

i should probably take my own advice. it's hardly even fair to only wish for you to talk to me properly about your issues and not even do it myself. but the problem is that i don't want to burden you at all. i only want us to last, and the only way i know how to make that happen (or at least prevent us from completely running out of fuel and falling apart and collapsing on ourselves as a supernova does) is to maintain proper communication.

maybe i should take you on a date soon. after all, i haven't tried to take you on one ever since you began this partying craze, and maybe part of the reason why you want to go to so many parties is because i've been too frightened of messing up to take you somewhere else. besides, we'll be able to talk more comfortably in a quiet, peaceful place rather than in someone else's house, trying to yell over the loud thumping bass and the alcohol-infused dancers and the police sirens echoing in the distance.

my only question now is: where would you want to go?

love,  
beyond


	22. nineteen » umbra

dear infinity,

i found an art museum in a nearby city that was opening for the first time for our date during the weekend. it was going to feature artists whose art is in a similar style to kandinsky's—yes, i did indeed remember that your favorite artist is kandinsky. the featured artists were even going to be given time to speak about their paintings and general art topics. i had also managed to reserve a table in a four-star restaurant two towns over. the restaurant would have been a perfect time and place to discuss our issues—a calm, quiet environment for us to calmly and quietly discuss anything.

i think our date would have gone well, too. however, you didn't even give me a chance to ask you out. instead, you squealed excitedly about yet another party and, when i began to protest, cut me off, telling me that we  _absolutely had to go_  to the party and that you would never forgive me if i dared to miss it. how could i say no to that?

i didn't enjoy it in the slightest, by the way. i had to give the tickets to the art museum to my sisters as well as the restaurant reservation so that my efforts weren't completely wasted. (i mean, they were on us, but my sisters at least had fun.) the house that the party was held in was too small for the large number of people who had attended. (we couldn't even go inside through the front door. the host had to set out tables of beer in the backyard, and we had to climb in through the windows of the, thankfully, one-story house to get into a bedroom.) the party was shut down much earlier than any of the others. (the neighbors called the cops only three hours after sundown.)

when did our interests divide like this? of course, you and i have never liked the exact same things, but we used to respect each other's likes and dislikes. i have recently begun to voice my thoughts about parties (sparingly, so as not to annoy you), yet you don't take any of my feelings into consideration.

i don't want to complain too much, though, which is why i haven't brought this up as a more serious issue. but it's hard, finn, to pretend like i am fine with this situation. i want—no, i need something to change soon. your partying is getting to be all too much, not just for me, but for yourself.

it's also frustrating to have to fend off the random drunk guys. i think they've multiplied in a short amount of time because i've lost track of how many times i've had to pull you away from a handsy guy trying to take advantage of your intoxicated, giggly state. i wish you would refrain from drinking so much alcohol as well. i'm afraid that you might just die of alcohol poisoning or some other complication with your liver. the human body simply isn't meant to consume as much alcohol as you do every time we attend a house party.

your brother also seems to be slightly concerned about the situation, but he appears to be more worried for our safety when we do sneak off to be alone rather than your recent partying habits. i had to assure him for a good half hour or so that we were being careful before he finally left me alone. perhaps he doesn't care because partying seems to run in the family.

he's been acting weird around me lately, actually. he's gotten over his initial wariness (though hostility may be a better term) and acts like he cares for me personally, not just as your boyfriend. i know i sound a bit skeptical and hesitant to believe it, but it is nice, not having to worry about pleasing your brother for his approval.

your family's approval is important to me because  _you_  are important to me. your importance in my life is why i am so frustrated about the whole situation because i know we can work this out. you just have to let me.

love,  
beyond


	23. twenty » orion

dear infinity,

i really was angry with you. first of all, the party you dragged me to this time was a frat party at a college three hours away. at this point, i have gotten used to the local house parties. i still don't enjoy them, but i've gotten used to it. but this one… by the time we arrived, i was already tired from driving for so long without rest because we "should have left two hours earlier."

second of all, you disappeared on me during the party. i don't mind it if you go and have fun on the dance floor anymore (i mean, you dance pretty well), but i couldn't find you at all at the party. i even asked around about you, and one of the many people whom i asked claimed that she saw you climbing into a cab with a random guy.

i'm sorry to say that my reaction was an overpowering mix of fury and concern. i can't recall much from that night after i heard about you leaving because i drank myself into oblivion while waiting for you to answer my calls, my texts,  _anything_. yet nothing could drown out the images in my head of you giggling and reaching for the crook of his elbow, of him smirking and leading you to the cab, of— i can't even finish my sentence because even just my thoughts add up to huge mess of worry and doubt and fear and confusion.

i didn't want to believe that you betrayed me, my trust, and my love. i really didn't. but there was something in me that couldn't ignore the possibility that you might have made a drunken mistake.  _a drunken mistake._ somehow, trying to justify it that way doesn't make it any better, even now.

when i managed to find you (cozy and warm in your bed like you had never disappeared on me), you were crying. your sobs racked through your whole body, and it looked as if your small and fragile figure couldn't contain the sadness that had welled up inside you. and that was all it took for me to forget my anger and hurt.

i don't know how much time passed with me cradling you in my arms and you crying into my chest, but i suppose that doesn't matter. any time spent with you is still priceless to me. perhaps there is no way to measure how much a moment with you is worth, and perhaps there is no limit that describes the way i approach you, infinity, and perhaps there isn't one of your namesakes big enough to contain the way i feel for you.

as i just mentioned, i don't know how much time passed while i tried to comfort you, but your brother happened to enter your room at some point, and he looked exhausted, to say the least. he didn't even bother glaring at me or anything. instead, he took you from my arms and told me to help myself to the kitchen while he calmed you down.

i didn't fight him, and maybe i should have, but i knew that what i was doing wasn't helping much. so i let him take you from me and fretted alone in your kitchen (but i didn't take any food because i wouldn't have been able to stomach it anyway). comforting you is not a technique i've learned, but i am determined to learn it soon.

your brother joined me in the kitchen some time later, saying that you had gone to sleep. i began to leave, but he asked me to stay. to say i was as confused by that as i am by how ordinal numbers work is an understatement. but i stayed regardless, if only to be in your brother's good graces.

he wanted to know how our relationship was going. i told him that we were fine but also that we'd been going to more and more parties as time went on. (i didn't mention that you had allegedly gotten into a cab with someone other than me.) he gave me a resigned smile and told me that i could leave if i wanted to, that no one would blame me. and i couldn't believe he said that nor could i believe that what he said was true for a second because  _i would blame myself_. it's my job to stay by your side, and i'm going to do my best to make that happen or die trying regardless of what problems we might face.

his smile only grew more tired.

love,  
beyond


	24. twenty-one » astronomical unit

dear infinity,

i know you've been avoiding me for the past several weeks. and it hurts, honestly, because i can't be there for you if you won't let me.

why are you shutting me out? i've never even confronted you about that other guy that you went home with after that college frat party. i haven't really accused you of anything. all i've done is try to comfort you. yet here we are, at what feels like the absolute minimum of our relationship.

i'm so tired of this. and i hate how cliché this sounds, but  _we need to talk_. first of all, how are we supposed to maintain a happy and healthy relationship if we continue to avoid each other like this? there is honestly no way that we can continue like this and expect our relationship to continue to grow or stay constant or even decrease but never reach zero. we can't keep going at this rate because soon we'll hit our limit of zero, and i'm not sure if it'll be possible for me to pick myself up after that.

i really do love you, infinity, and i don't want to experience what living without you feels like now that i have you.

secondly, i just don't understand what's happening. i'm trying really hard to respect you and give you space, but now it's clear to me (and to everyone else) that you're avoiding me. my friends have been teasing me about it, wondering if i've come crawling back to them now that i don't have you anymore. i don't think they realize how much that hurts because of how true that is now.

what happened to you and me, to us? honestly, i don't know where we went wrong. i've looked back to see what mistakes i might have made, but i'm still so confused. would it be a crime for you to just take a few minutes out of your day to tell me what's wrong? whatever it is, i didn't mean to do it, and i am so, so sorry. please don't shut me out because of whatever this is.

honestly, the reason you keep avoiding me is a variable i don't think i can solve right now. i've been given insufficient information for this problem, and i only know one method, one technique, to solve it, which is to talk it out with each other. and it's really difficult to do that if you won't even dare to look at me. i'm just so tired of this. i want to fix whatever went wrong between us because i want us to be all right once more.

i'm sorry for whatever i might have done. i know that doesn't mean anything because i don't even know the reason why you're ignoring me, but i am sorry for it. i'm sorry for it because it's dividing us into two separate products, unlike the monomial we are supposed to be. i'm sorry for it because you no longer seem to be able to trust me with your problems like before, even though i'm supposed to be there for you unconditionally. i'm sorry for it because it's changed everything, and i contented myself with the way things were before.

i love you, infinity, and i don't want to lose you. but if you keep ignoring me, i'm afraid that the latter is the only thing that i'll be successful in doing.

love,  
beyond


	25. twenty-two » cavus

dear infinity,

you still refuse to talk to me about the things that matter, and i have told you that it hurts me, finn. we're supposed to be a team, and that's hard to accomplish when we can't even be next to each other for more than five minutes to talk about anything deeper than the weather or the homework in our history class or the next party being held at someone's house.

you've shut me out, finn, and there seems to be nothing i can do to open that door again.

i do try to do so, though. i'm  _still_  trying to get you to open up to me again. i've spent my hours mulling over this in my head, yet i can't find a single solution to the problem that is the lack of communication between us and the deterioration of our relationship as a result of it. the only solutions i've found are extraneous—fitting for a more simplified version of the problem but not for the actual problem itself. while i can find answers that would momentarily bridge the gap between us, they are only crude rope bridges that are too temporary to hold long enough for us to build a permanent bridge, probably falling apart before we can even begin true construction.

i'm worried for you. your brother's been talking to me more and more and more as we've been talking less and less and less. he never breaches the topic of you anymore, but he makes sure that i'm doing well. he asks me about my classes, my home life, how i spend my time, and i always tell him that i'm fine, that i'm happy, but every time i say it, i realize more and more that i am not.

i'm not happy. why? you and i are falling apart, that's why. how am i supposed to be able to function without you, finn? i called you the only star in my sky; i named you my venus; i promised to be with you for a period of time as long as your namesake. i loved you, and still do, in the rawest form that i could, but now you're doing nothing but push me away.

i've asked if you've wanted to go on dates that i've done extensive research for, yet you insist on attending another party thrown by or for someone who i honestly couldn't care less about. i've tried to talk to you privately about things important to me and to us, yet you refuse to leave your friends' gossip circle. i've reached out in more ways than these, yet you make it a point to ignore my outstretched hand.

don't do this to me, please. don't do this to us, finn. we deserve so much more than this— _you_  deserve more than this. but you're the one who's causing it, and, as much as i want to do something about it, you're the only who can fix it now. i've done all i can, and your unwillingness to do the same is honestly, as much as i hate it, making me wonder if it's worth trying anymore. i don't know how much longer i can keep giving my full efforts and more into this relationship only to be met with wall after wall after wall that you've put up to keep me out.

please, finn, don't let me go thinking that our relationship is no longer worth the effort.

love,  
beyond


	26. twenty-three » hubble's law

dear infinity,

guess what? i'm tired of everything, too. maybe you have more tragedies to deal with in your life, but that doesn't mean that i'm not struggling to survive, either. just because your two plus two equals four doesn't mean that my one plus one doesn't equal two. either way, whether one has a greater amount or not, it all adds up to struggles. adding was never a good way to measure the experiences a person goes through, anyway.

it's not a competition. we aren't all aiming for first prize in the my-life-sucks-i'm-a-mess contest. we all have to deal with certain things, and we all deal with certain things differently. so, please, don't discredit my pain by saying you have it worse. worse for you does not mean worse for me, and vice versa.

i suppose i'm just disappointed. i thought you were more understanding than that. i didn't expect you to explode in my face like that. that was uncalled for, honestly.

however, i do admit that i could have handled the situation much better. i yelled back at you, and that was uncalled for as well. my anger and hurt had just added up to one huge mess, only to come crashing down on me and overflowing onto you. i never wanted that to happen, but i suppose it had always been bound to do so.

i'm not going to apologize first, however. why would i apologize for something i don't regret? of course, i regret actually having an argument, but i don't regret the things i said. because they're true. i know they are, and you know they are as well. you have been distant and unreasonable. i don't like that the only real interactions we ever really have anymore are when we're in bed at a party and you're drunk beyond comprehension. we've been falling apart, and i'm positively  _livid_  that you aren't doing anything about it.

i only regret the way i said them. it was unnecessary for me to spit those words out at you like they were venom and you were my prey. i was being as irrational as pi, and i suppose i could apologize for that.

but that doesn't change the fact that you have some apologizing to do as well, finn. what happened? i was looking through my old letters, and i can pretty much trace back to the event that completely imbalanced our equation. it was your brother's party from way back when.

do you remember it? i definitely do, and i definitely hope you do, too. we gave ourselves to each other in a way we never had before that night. but apparently that means nothing to you now. the only thing that matters to you now is that you're tired of having to deal with so many problems, and apparently i'm one of them. even after i've loyally stayed by your side, even now, i am nothing but a problem you don't seem to want to solve.

well, if i'm that much of an issue, why don't you just break up with me?

but i don't want that. because every couple has their maximums and minimums, and this just happens to be a relative minimum for us. that doesn't mean we have to end here. there's still more of the function to be graphed, and i want to see this through to the end with you, infinity. i can only hope we're an odd function, starting from nothing and continuing on to a future of a positive infinity.

love,  
beyond


	27. twenty-four » ursa major

dear infinity,

i honestly can't believe you. you've really hurt me, finn. i'm just—i'm just so shocked that you would even think to betray me like this. no set of data nor any calculated probability could have ever prepared me for the pure betrayal and raw pain i'm feeling right now. this was all because of you; this was all because of him; this was all because of you and him.

i warned you, didn't i? i heard all the rumors about what he wanted to do, about what he was going to do, about what he has already done. yet you never listened—as you never do—insisting he was just a friend who joined you in partying when i was too tired to go with you. but now, now he's something much more, isn't he?

was it because you spent "quality time" with him rather than with me? was it because you "connected" with him through experiences i could never imagine and in ways i could never understand? was it because he's everything new and exciting while i am only something old and familiar? well, then, let me apologize, finn, for not being current enough to keep your interest, for not doing more to win your heart, for not scrambling to keep my place in your heart secure as always, for not being enough for you.

but please, explain to me exactly how i was the one who drove you to this point, finn. point out to me the exact moment in time that i sinned enough to somehow cause you to become everything i was convinced you would never be. tell me the reason why i have to prove myself to you over and over again just to make sure that i am still number one in your heart.

it's unbelievable. i don't know how time has passed since i found out, but ever since i heard about your  _stupidity_ , your  _ignorance_ , your  _infidelity_ , i have done nothing but replay the events that must have occurred. i can do nothing at all but imagine how everything must have happened.

you and he were at a party, weren't you? you must have gotten drunk out of your mind as you always do. (i think i'm the only one who tries to stop you anymore, not that i attend as many parties as i did before or as you do now anyway.) when you're drunk, you act as irrationally as pi, performing as many idiotic stunts as there are digits in that very same number.

and this must have been just another one of those stunts. because why else would you choose to dance with him like you did? because why else would you let him whisper sweet nothings in your ear as he led you upstairs? because why else would you dare to forget about me,  _your boyfriend_ , and instead sleep in another's arms like you did that night?

it hurts, finn, and i can't pinpoint the pain to an exact spot so i can fix it. no, instead it's an excruciating ache all over my body, stretching from my heart to my head to the rest of my body. it doesn't ebb in or out like a trigonometric function either. no, instead the pain is as constant as the slope of a straight line, with no endpoint in sight.

i just can't believe you would act so… i don't even know what to call it anymore if i'm going to be honest with you. (that's something you apparently lack.) we'll say undefined because i have no way to measure the amount of evil you have committed and the amount of pain you have caused me. to me, you are now an undefined function stretching to who-knows-where (aka infinity, because you apparently aren't content by my side— no, you just had to find someone else to warm your bed that night) with no limits and no boundaries and definitely no sense of morality.

i know i've said this before, but i'll say it again:  _i can't believe you cheated on me_.

you, of all people. i just had to give my heart to you, of all of the seven point four billion plus people on this earth i could have given it to. i believed in us, in you and me. i thought our love could be as infinite as you seemed to be. and now look at what you've done.

do you feel sorry? do you feel any remorse for what you've done? perhaps your ribs were always an empty cage; your feelings for me, as nonexistent as the value of zero divided by zero. maybe that's why you let me give you my heart; you needed it to fill the void left by your dead, still one. but you can't have it because i want it back.

sincerely,  
beyond


	28. twenty-five » retrograde motion

dear infinity,

i'm still hurt. do you know how heartbreaking it is to know that your own girlfriend cheated on you even though—no, in  _spite_  of the love you have professed and shared for close to a year now? in  _spite_  of everything you've done for her? in  _spite_  of the secrets you've shared and the tears you've said and the times you have held her as she cried until her tear ducts dried and spilled her heart out because she just couldn't hold in the pain anymore? forgive me, finn, but i just don't understand how you could throw that all away.

and the tragic thing is that i still don't want to throw us away. no matter how much pain you've put me through, i just can't let go of what we had—of what we could still have. but i can't trust you anymore, so i don't know how we would salvage our relationship. that is, if it can be salvaged.

i know a negative plus a negative will never equal a positive. all the number would become is even more negative than it had been before, moving farther away from the desired solution as time continued on. so we could never work that way.

before… well, before you betrayed me and broke my heart, i might have viewed us as a positive and a negative. there was always that possibility that perhaps the positive would outweigh the negative, and we would end up being something good together. not as good as i thought you were, of course, but something good anyway. well…maybe something just as good as you seemed to be, but only because i used to think of you as a positive infinity. no matter how negative i might have been, you would always get rid of that.

if only i had known that you never were. clearly, your positive infiniteness was not a law to hold above all else but an initial condition i only gave myself. i hadn't realized that it had been true for only a problem. once i'd worked that out and moved on to the next, i was too blinded by my love to see that the given conditions had changed—that we had changed—and thus i worked through our entire set of problems, misinformed and disillusioned. no wonder none of the solutions i came up with actually solved anything.

you might be wondering about a positive plus a positive, but i have never considered the possibility of the both of us being positive numbers separately. i'm sorry, but it has never crossed my mind that i could have been a positive aspect in this whole relationship. i always thought that you would be the best part about it. ironic that you are the one driving us apart.

maybe i shouldn't blame this on you. but i don't know what i've done wrong. i've been putting all of my effort into keeping our relationship alive; i've focused all my energy into making sure we were still us, together, happy. (remember when those used to be synonymous? oh, finn, what have you done to the both of us?) i've put my heart and my soul into you and me, but you decided that i didn't need to be a part of our equation anymore.

and though i've said it before, i'll say it again.  _it hurts._  it hurts, finn. it hurts that after all the love i gave you, you felt like you needed more. it hurts that after all faith i put into you, you broke it because you weren't satisfied. it hurts so, so much that after all the secrets i've dutifully guarded for you, you still decided it wasn't enough. and i didn't even dare to breathe a word about your abortion, not even to myself.

but all of my efforts don't matter to you anyway, so why should i still bother with trying? it actually stings a little that you went so far with someone else, to the point of getting pregnant. you know, i'd believed that i was your first. i suppose i should have known because you were far too skilled for that, but something in me believed that you were still pure of this world. maybe that's why i thought you were so positive.

but how could you possibly have been so positive with so much negative baggage? you almost had a baby! how could you have stayed as young and naive as i had painted your portrait when you were faced with the realm of motherhood? how blind was i, to think that you were as untainted as a rose bud, free from the troubles of this world. how stupid was i, to believe that you were perfect though nothing else was.

now i wish i had never met you, honestly. now i wish i had never seen you as an angel, standing in front of that moment of transcendence. now i wish i had never been fooled into thinking that we could transcend beyond a mere moment. now i wish i had never even dreamed of falling in love.

sincerely,  
beyond


	29. twenty-six » accretion

dear infinity,

i might be growing to hate you, even if i still—still, despite how you've wronged me—love you in some cruel twist of fate. it's not fair that i can see it in your eyes that the only remorse you feel is because you were caught. you would do it all over again, wouldn't you?

you didn't even apologize to me when i tried to talk to you again. you just said that i was being unreasonable and it wasn't even a big deal and i needed to calm down. you want me to "calm down"? even if it didn't mean anything to you, it meant quite a lot to me, thank you very much. i don't think you've even considered how much pain that you have caused me. because having a good time has torn my heart out of my chest. because making a mistake has shattered my heart to dust. because something that will never happen again has made me never want to love again.

yet i can't stop. can't you see? you may have stolen my heart, and you may have broken it so much that it can't possibly be recognized anymore, but you still have it—you still have me, and i need to somehow get my heart back before you can hurt me again. i traveled too close to the sun i so admired, and now i've been burnt. but i can't stop; my course has been set; my function has been defined.

i want to stop loving you and start hating you, but it's an asymptote i can move closer and closer to yet never touch, never reach, never accomplish. it's like an equation i will never solve. and maybe i don't want to solve it.

but we'll never get anywhere if you continue to refuse to talk to me about it. all this arguing and throwing the blame back and forth will never resolve anything for us. all we're doing is piling on the negative constants instead of actually solving the equation, and i'm getting tired of it. math might come easily to you, but i need more time to think about it. i need help understanding what we're doing, and your blasé attitude isn't helping me but rather hindering me.

maybe i'm at as much fault as you are for the arguing, but can you really hold that against me? you cheated on me, and now i'm hurt, and now i'm broken. yet you won't even acknowledge my pain except to say i'm "overreacting" and "being unreasonable." i had so much faith in you, my beloved, cruel finn, but you betrayed that faith and refuse to even validate it.

and now i keep turning in circles, unable to come up with a clear solution, trapped between hating you and loving you yet doing both at the same time. this state of limbo is a very dangerous one to be in, i think, because while i can't help but marvel at your beauty, i also can't help but hate you and your hands and how they somehow grabbed hold of my heart and won't let go anymore. the nerve of you.

now, because i so believed in your positivity, because it had been an undisputed axiom in my proof of life, i can't even trust the textbooks when they try to convince me that one plus one is two or that fifty minus five is forty-five. how can i trust those when i can't even trust my own heart to steer me right or my own mind to make sound judgments?

i'm so tired of everything. i just want everything to go back to the way it was, before we ran into these troubles i thought we could face. before i gave you my heart. before i realized you wouldn't give me yours.

sincerely,  
beyond


	30. twenty-seven » variable star

dear infinity,

you have been insufferable for the past couple of months. not only have you become a party animal, but you have also cheated on me and then disregarded my feelings like they weren't important to begin with. yet, somehow, you still manage to allure me with your lack of a plausible solution. i can't figure you out, and somehow that keeps me coming back for more. i still can't bear the thought of losing you.

and it doesn't help when you go and do things like you did yesterday. things that make me feel like you actually do have a heart, that you actually might love me back, that you and i weren't just a cheap lie to amuse you until you found something better. i know that my thoughts are irrational and that everything doesn't quite add up anymore, but maybe that's because you just confuse me like my math homework does. no matter how many questions i ask, no matter how many times i think i understand, no matter how many hours i spend working away, i just can't seem to grasp any understanding of either.

but maybe i don't need to understand. there are times when i feel like talking and understanding would solve all of our problems, and there are times when i just want to throw caution to the wind and just enjoy the entity that is infinity.

i still love you, infinity. and i still hate you, finn.

i hate you for the times when you make decisions for our relationship without consulting me. i hate you for the moments when you fool me into thinking you love me back only to tear down my grandeur illusion. i hate you for the hours that i spend just marveling at you.

but then there are days like yesterday when there is no reason to do anything but marvel at you. you were actually the one who asked me out on a date. you may not have said anything about the arguments or the cheating, but i didn't think you had to. (it probably would have just ruined the evening.)

the date you had planned wasn't anything we hadn't done before (a movie and ice cream cones in the park), but it was special because it was the first time in two months that we'd managed to spend time together without ending a conversation on the verge of tears or yelling at each other. it was simple, and after the last two months, simple was welcome the same way simple addition is a refreshing breather from finding the volume of a solid formed by a line that is rotated around the x-axis using integrals and calculus.

we spent hours on end after we finished our ice cream just talking a whole lot about nothing. and i loved every second of it. it was so easy to get lost in you again, to let your presence engulf me for the night, to fall asleep with you in my arms like so many times before.

and it scares me at the same time because you have let me down before as well. you make me feel too much sometimes, to the point where i'm too overwhelmed to even react. but i guess i have no choice but to hold onto this good memory because i don't know when the next will happen.

sometimes i just hate what you do to me.

sincerely,  
beyond


	31. twenty-eight » supernova

dear infinity,

i have no words at this moment.

actually, you know what? scratch that. i have tried and tried time and time again to fix this, to fix us, but you have refused every single one of my attempts. you push me away, make light of everything that's happened, and refuse to acknowledge that we're having problems just so that you don't have to deal with it.

so you were only looking for some fun. so i got too serious too quickly. why didn't you say anything to me about it earlier? you could have been totally and brutally honest with me before. maybe i would have been hurt, but at least i still would have trusted you.

but i know you're being honest now, and because we're being honest now, i think i ought to tell you that it hurts more to know now that i have been trapped thinking you wanted our relationship as much as i do and you cared about this relationship as much as i do when, in reality, you wanted nothing more than a good time together. i can't believe i wasted so much time pining for you, so many nights thinking of you, and so many of your namesake loving you more and more. though you demanded my love, you never truly wanted it.

yet you have the nerve to argue with me that none of this was your fault. as if you never did anything wrong. as if i'm the one who caused every single problem in our relationship.

you know that's as far from the truth as negative infinity is from positive infinity. i gave you the honest truth about what i was feeling and thinking and wishing for. i was completely and utterly committed to us. i wanted to make us work to the point of exhausting myself just so that we could stay together.

but you spat that all back in my face. you said that i was clingy. you said that i was needy. you said that i wasn't loving but rather possessive and jealous and controlling and everything i worked hard not to be. you said that i needed to lighten up, that we would be fine if i would just learn to let things go, that you didn't agree to be my girlfriend just for me to become a tyrant.

i am not a tyrant. you may think so just because you're so reckless and foolish all the time, but i'm really just looking out for you, for me,  _for us_. i don't want you to die in high school of alcohol poisoning. i don't want you to be raped while drunk out of your mind at a party. i don't want to hear more rumors about how you're cheating on me at every single party i don't go to. i don't want to look at you and feel like i might not be enough because you don't say "i love you" unless i say it first. i don't want to worry that i'm not as good as the last guy at making you happy and satisfied when, clearly, i should be the only guy. i don't want to feel like i'm giving you one hundred percent of me only to receive nothing in return.

i don't need to put up with this. i really don't. you may be the slope of my line, but i've realized i'm fine with just being a constant because at least i know i'm not being lifted up only to be dropped.

sincerely,  
beyond


	32. twenty-nine » singularity

dear infinity,

i can't believe it. it's finally over. we broke up. we finally broke up.

to say i'm relieved is an understatement. i finally feel free as the domain of a line, a quadratic function, a cubic function, a quartic function, or basically any function with a domain of all real numbers. there are no limits to what one can plug in for  _x_  in those functions, basically. (i know you know this because you're a math person, but i just needed to drive the point home that now i am the value being plugged in for ex.)

i am finally rid of our fighting and our arguments and my pointless worries over whether you thought i was enough for you. (i guess i wasn't.) i don't have to deal with the parties or the other guys or even your breakdowns of a one night stand gone wrong. rumors about you and me are a thing of my past.

but as much as i am relieved, i'm also heartbroken. we had something good going on for a while, but we lost it, and now it's gone forever.

i have realized that _you and i_ might have never existed. there might have been a _you_ , but perhaps _i_ was as _i_ has always been: imaginary. perhaps i was just a placeholder for a number in your equation that didn’t exist. perhaps our function never touched the x-axis at all, and that’s why we didn’t work out. if this is true, then i’m sorry for having wasted your time trying to find a solution that didn’t exist.

honestly, i miss the times when we would just lay in bed and talk for hours. not having sex, not kissing, not even any romantic physical contact. just talking about anything and everything that came to mind. i lose myself in memories of simple dates when we just enjoyed the other's company. i relive the moments when we had fun figuring each other out. i guess you figured me out long before i figured you out, and i guess you grew tired of me once you did.

we were supposed to be infinite, you know, like your namesake. we were supposed to last a lifetime, finn, but you ruined it all with the parties and the cheating and the apathy. i might have hated your apathy the most.

but that's all in the past now. and i have decided that, regardless of my heartache and longing, i am relieved and unrepentant now that we are no longer together. i don't need the suffering and pain you made me endure. it doesn't benefit me at all, unlike the arduous math homework i am assigned in school every day. practice did not make perfect, but it wasn't my fault. i was the one working hard; you refused to lift a finger.

i just don't understand why you didn't want to help me make us work. maybe if we had just talked everything out properly—meaning that we actually listen to what the other has to say instead of dismissing it as overreaction—and worked together to find a solution, we would be a happy couple.

i've never been great at problem-solving. (you've seen my math scores.) but i work hard to understand the concept and to find the answers.

but for you it's different. problem-solving is almost second nature to you. (why else would you enjoy math so much?) you don't have to work all that hard to get your answers. so the moment things between us became difficult, you didn't know what to do with yourself or with us besides nothing. nothing was exactly what you did. and i'm not going to lie: i'm disappointed, finn. i thought you were better than that.

then again, i also thought we would last. but regrets don't matter now, do they?

sincerely,  
beyond


	33. thirty » absolute zero

dear infinity,

maybe i should stop writing these letters. after all, i'm not even giving them to you so you can read them. but is it strange that they've become a little…therapeutic for me? i can write what i'm thinking and feeling without fear of anyone, not even you.

i still think of you far too much and far too often and far too fondly for a guy who's only just broken up with his girlfriend of over a year. i thought we were living our love and would love a lifetime, but we only barely made it past our first-year anniversary. but what a year it was. i don't know if i'm capable of loving someone else the way i love you.

i still do, you know. i know we've broken up. i know almost all we've done for the last five months is argue and fight and wear each other down. i know you've cheated on me. but for some reason, my heart doesn't care about you shattering it. it still beats for you, crying your name with every clench, pouring its love for you into my arteries, and i am still filled with nothing but love for you. i may hate you in mind, but i definitely love you in heart.

and i used to think that the heart was all that mattered.

but now i realize my heart is treacherous, reaching for the one thing i have decided i cannot have: you. i just love you too much to know when to stop giving of myself. did you know that i was the only one making an effort in our relationship?

yet i don't regret loving you. (i mean, i do because if i hadn't then i wouldn't be hurting, but i don't because you're infinity, and you demand infinite love. i'm sorry i couldn't give that to you.) what i do regret is letting you slip away. i was the tangent line to your curve, but the slope proved too steep. and the fact that we were only tangent meant that i was only meant to cross paths with you for one point on the graph, only a brief moment in time, never to connect again. i stayed constant, but you turned away.

maybe i shouldn't blame you. after all, you were only following the course that your life equation dictated to you. maybe it's my fault for being unable to adapt to your curve.

but i still blame the fact that you made no effort. that you turned away without even a glance backward. that you let our relationship be as brief as it was. maybe i didn't let you slip away. maybe it was you who decided to leave the relationship. after all, i put effort into you and me; i can't be to blame for our demise, can i?

so i can't love you. for one, i can't because you broke me and my fragile little heart that had nothing but the utmost love for you. two, i can't because we agreed not to.

right? that's what i understood from that night that you rejected me and then proceeded to break up with me at that party. (how fitting that we broke up at a party.) and i can't love you when you said you couldn't love me back so i simply couldn't love you in the first place. i definitely can't love you when you told me that we couldn't hold any feelings for other. there is absolutely no possibility for me loving you because i agreed.

but i  _do_ , my dear infinity. i love you with my entire heart, body, and soul. and i wish i didn't—i really, really do—because it would save me so much heartbreak and heartache. you can't just expect me to turn off my feelings just because you don't want them anymore.

i know i'm freaking you out, that my eyes still follow you in the hallways, that my lips still curl into a smile when i see you, that my heart still beats faster at the sound of your laughter or at the smell of your perfume. i know that i'm just being an envious ex-boyfriend when i glare down any other guy flirting with you. i know i don't have a right to be like this, but do you blame me?

after all, over a year of my life was dedicated solely to you and to loving you.

i'm trying so hard to get over you; you wouldn't even believe the things i've done. i've eaten our food at our restaurant together with another girl. i've stargazed at our spot together with another girl. i am trying so, so hard to forget the way your name feels on my tongue and the way your lips taste against mine when really, i should be focusing on the other girl beside me, the sound of her voice exhaling my name, the taste of her fruity lip balm, the heat of her breath fanning across my body…

but i am so utterly engulfed by loving you that i can't find my way out. i am too lost in the color of your eyes to even notice the ones of the girl that i'm staring straight into. i am too enraptured by the ringing of your laughter to even hear the words coming from the girl trying to ask me something. i just see you, you, you everywhere, and i'm lost, and i'm disoriented, and though i am searching for an exit, all i can find is you.

it really isn't fair, finn, that you were able to move on before it ended, while even now i'm stuck in the past. my graph has dropped off into who knows where, and i can't figure out how to keep it going.

i hate you, but i love you, but i hate that i love you. can you see how difficult it is for me to stop having feelings for you?

sincerely,  
beyond

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading this far! Sorry for breaking up the Finn x Beyond ship, but I honestly couldn't see how they would work out in the long run. In any case, I'll probably upload the epigraph for step iii soon. I hope you'll enjoy step iii because while the next six chapters are not really essential to the story—in fact, each step could be read as a different story—they contain the point I was driving at throughout the entire story.
> 
> Anyway, enough rambling from me. Please vote if you've been enjoying the story and comment if you have anything to say! I'll be glad to answer any questions you have to the best of my abilities. I also have a ton of social media. (Please talk to me. I'm only awkward, I promise.)


	34. step iii » practical application {epigraph}

"I think about you. But I don't say it anymore."

{Marguerite Duras,  _Hiroshima Mon Amour_ }


	35. thirty-one » intimacy

dear infinity,

i thought i wouldn't regret it, but i do. i regret breaking up so much. please, please, please, take me back. i can't live life without you. i know i sound desperate, and i know i sound needy, and i know i don't just sound like that but i really am being like that.

i don't care.

i need there to be a you. i need there to be a me. i need there to be a you and me, infinity. i have tried and failed to live separate from you, but perhaps we were wrong. perhaps we really are a constant meant to be combined in order to solve the equation. i refuse to believe that all of what we were was for nothing, that we are really separate equations because  _i feel too much_  for you for us to not belong together.

i hate this. i hate being apart. maybe you thought that you were ending my suffering by agreeing to no feelings, but this is even worse because i feel so much for you and i'm not even allowed to. in fact, i feel so much that i'm not even adhering to our agreement of "no feelings."

yes, i was the one who left the roses in your locker. i was the one who had the notes delivered to you in every period. i was the one who played the song for you over the intercom at lunch. have i gotten through to you yet? have i won you back yet? or has my desperation repulsed you even more than it already did?

i know this is quite the opposite of what we promised each other, but i figure that i've already broken so many of the promises i made to you that it doesn't matter if i break another one. my friends tell me that it's not worth my time. they're actually glad that we've broken up because, according to them, they rarely got to have fun with me when we were together.

can you believe that? my own friends don't even want us to be together again. but i don't care what they say. i want to be together with you more than i want to go back to playing the stupid video games i used to play with them.

besides, i love you. i love you so, so much, my dear infinity. and i've decided to take the internet's advice and just take a chance for my love. after all, if you come to love me, then shouldn't our love be enough to make us last for an infinity? doesn't love surpass all things? i'm sure we can make us work a second time. we'll have our first attempt at a relationship to learn from, and we can just refer to it as mistakes to never make again.

we make mistakes in order to learn from them. so i want you to take a chance and agree to become my girlfriend once again. i promise this time that i will do everything within my power to make you happy and satisfied with our relationship. i've been looking back, and i realized that my attempts were halfhearted. i wanted you to be satisfied with whatever i did instead of doing my best to satisfy you.

i've learned, so won't you please come to your senses and realize that we're meant to be together? i don't want to just throw away what we had and what we could have had into the ocean of "no feelings." i'm not going to let that happen. i will win you back.

be prepared, my dear infinity, for i will not stop until i take back what is rightfully mine: your heart.

love,  
beyond


	36. thirty-two » confidence

dear infinity,

i'm sorry. i realize the error in my ways now. it may have taken my sisters and even your brother to convince me that i was wasting my time and that i was merely pushing my unwanted feelings onto you, but i know now that i can't expect you to fall in love with me anymore. i lost my chance when i let you slip away.

i just miss you. i miss us. you and i were a great team together, in my opinion. we understood each other perfectly until we just didn't. but that doesn't mean we can't be close like that ever again, does it?

honestly, i don't know exactly what i want anymore. on one hand, i just want to be with you again. i just want the security of knowing you're mine and i'm yours and we're meant to be together. on the other hand, i don't want to pressure you into a relationship you really do not want.

maybe i just want you to be happy. maybe i just want to be happy myself. and maybe i just think that we could both be happy together, despite what all of the statistics or rumors or whatever else is out there that is opposing the idea of us says.

i miss hanging out with you. i miss talking for hours on end under the night sky. i miss our conversations about art and about astronomy and about math. i miss you, infinity. i wish we could be close again. i don't really want to care about what bad history we had together. there are times when i see you so exhausted by the world that all i want to do is gather you up in my arms like i used to and wipe away all of your tears. i wish i could just be there for you like i used to.

is that so wrong?

to be honest, i don't even know if i care about being a couple anymore. i know i've been trying to make that happen for almost four months by now, but it's true. i've come to realize that i just want to be close to you again, whether that's romantic or platonic or some other sort of love. you and i converged, approaching a finite limit with frightening speed, but i wish we had diverged instead, stretching toward infinity without the slightest hint of hesitation. i want us to still be together, even if that's not  _together_.

i know i'm not making sense. the only thing that's clear to me now is that i miss you. i just miss spending time with the beautiful person that you are. and i'm sorry for taking that for granted when we were together. i wanted you to match up to this ideal version of you that i had imagined all on my own, and when you couldn't—only because you are gloriously and utterly human—i blamed it all on you and started putting too much stress on our relationship.

i was so blind, infinity. and i'm sorry. i really am. can we just ignore the last fifteen months or so and be close to each other again? i promise i won't mind if you go to parties and sleep with other guys.

i just miss you, infinity. i really do.

sincerely,  
beyond


	37. thirty-three » friendship

dear infinity,

you will never be able to imagine how relieved i am that we are friends once again. i honestly felt like not being friends with you was like walking through the fields of punishment for my sins against you or having to do extra math problems because i didn't do well on the last test (which has actually happened and will probably happen again).

i hope that conveys my relief that that pain is over. i am so grateful to you for forgiving me for destroying our relationship before and taking me back as a friend. i've been so lost without you, and i've missed you so, so much.

we've been hanging out a lot more lately, and i love every second of it. i forgot how easy it is to just be around you. no matter how many times i flub at conversation, you're always there to diffuse the situation. i'm so grateful to you for putting up with me.

i've realized that our dynamic is better when we're just friends, anyway. i may still miss the perks of being your boyfriend, but i agree that we work better as close friends.

because now i realize why you didn't seem to work as hard to keep us together as a couple. (i mean, i may or may not have just realized because you told me earlier.) i'm so sorry that i hadn't seen it before, but i know now that you are afraid of commitment.

i know i should have realized that when i was the one initiating every hug and kiss and "i love you." i know i should have realized that when you refused to treat our relationship seriously (because it really wasn't to you). i know i should have realized that a long time ago, but i didn't. just be glad that i do now.

so this is part of the reason why we work better as friends. friendship can be less of a commitment than romance if we want it to be. we don't have to worry about things breaking us apart because it shouldn't matter to me if you sleep with another guy. (even if it does, i won't feel the need to break off our friendship just for that like i did when we were together.) the vinculum dividing us was no one but ourselves, anyway. now we have no reason to do so.

it's relieving to know that i can still call you up and ask you to go somewhere and you'll probably agree because that's what friends do. i forgot how much fun it was studying with you: i teach you astronomy and art while you teach me math and art history. and we both study history together.

we make a good team. i'm so sorry i almost threw that away for a relationship that you couldn't commit to, anyway.

sincerely,  
beyond


	38. thirty-four » acquaintanceship

dear infinity,

we haven't hung out in a while. we actually haven't spent real time together in a few months. of course, there is the occasional "hello" in the hallway, but that's nothing compared to the hours we would spend talking under the starry night sky.

have you been well? i've heard some rumors, but i don't think they amount to much, honestly. i can barely even remember what people have said about you by now. i hope you're doing well and that you've been accepted into the colleges that you wanted. i know you were considering an engineering major, and i know you can do it.

as for me, i didn't get into harvard's astronomy program like i wanted to, but that's all right. with my grades, i didn't expect to do so. i'm not sure where i'm going to go instead. i still have another university i haven't heard back from yet, but to be honest, i'm probably going to be spending the next two years in community college and then transferring to a four-year college. those prospects aren't too bad. maybe harvard will accept me then.

i'm choosing not to worry about the future at the moment, however. i have a plan for the next two years, so there's no need stressing over it anymore. i've been spending my days struggling to maintain my average grades and playing video games with my friends. there's this new game that came out recently—i won't bore you with the details—but it finally dragged me back into my gaming phase i thought i outgrew.

or maybe i just outgrew you.

in any case, i've been spending a lot more time with my friends, and i've realized that i actually missed them. i didn't know until recently how i'd basically abandoned them for you. (this is another reason why you and i didn't work out.) i'm not ignoring them to go to a party with you or moping over the fact that you went to a party without me.

in fact, i've been choosing them over you. and now it just feels so right.

even though we haven't talked in so long, i've been growing a little closer to your brother more recently, oddly enough. i know it seems improbable because he graduated last year (as we're about to do soon), but he actually came to find me when he came home from college a week or two ago.

he actually seems interested in being my friend. while sometimes i think he's got too much of an older brother attitude or a womanizer vibe to be a really good friend of mine, he's surprisingly fun to spend time with. i didn't realize what a gamer he is, but now that i know, we can spend hours on end just talking about a new game release and whatnot.

he's brutally honest as well—at least, now that we've gotten to know each other. he's told me that the reason why he didn't really approve of us while we were together was because he saw immediately that i was taking our relationship seriously while you would be unable to reciprocate my feelings properly. he was looking out for you by trying to convince me to get out while i could, but in another sense, he was also looking out for me. i didn't realize how caring your brother actually is.

so there it is. i'm enjoying my last month of high school, despite the fact that some parts of my life have returned to normal and others not so much. and i hope you are as well, finn, even though we haven't had a real conversation in a while.

sincerely,  
beyond


	39. thirty-five » awareness

dear infinity,

it was nice seeing you at graduation. i told you this earlier, but you looked really nice. you have a great sense of fashion, i guess.

what did you think of graduation? personally, i would have liked the speeches to be cut a little shorter because my friends and i had huge plans for after graduation, but they were all right. not the most interesting, but maybe that's because i just wanted to leave the ceremony.

i want to leave already. i want to experience life in a way i never have before. i want to study astronomy and dream about the stars and meet someone—anyone—who loves outer space as much as i do. that's why i'm studying in a university all the way across the country. it may be out of my comfort zone, but i think this change will be good for me. i'll have to adjust myself, and i'm hoping to become a better person because of that.

i hope you know that you made me a better person, finn. we might not talk to each other anymore, but i like to think that the time we spent together really has changed me for the better. it's definitely changed me for good, and i hope that's something you took away from our relationship as well.

i haven't thought about you and me much lately. i used to obsess over the idea of us to the point that my health was declining. that honestly created such a toxic environment for me that i think it spilled over into our relationship and the aftermath of the break-up.

i've come to terms with the fact that we tried and we didn't work and that's the end of it. there's no bitterness or desperation festering in my heart anymore. our problem is solved, and though the answer was not what i originally wanted, i know now that it is the correct one.

we were never meant to be. i made up fantasies in my head because i was literally a lovesick schoolboy. what else was i going to do when i thought i met the love of my life, besides fall hard and fall fast and fall to pieces? i've cleaned up the mess that was me by now—i've been doing all right for months now—and now our relationship is just a memory that will hopefully become a fond one over the years.

we may never meet again, and i don't think i'll mind. i know it may sound harsh to say that, but i've come to realize that we don't need to meet again because we've already done our part in each other's life. if we have nothing left to offer to each other, then seeing each other again, whether planned or completely by chance, will do nothing but dredge up memories of the past that are probably better left untouched.

so goodbye, finn. i hope you enjoy the rest of your life as much as i used to enjoy being in your presence.

sincerely,  
beyond


	40. thirty-six » strangerhood

dear infinity,

to be honest, i never thought i'd write another letter addressed to you again. you had honestly just become a thing of the past, a simple memory from my high school years. i no longer remember the things i used to—the exact shade of your eyes, the sound of your laughter, the smell of your shampoo, the feel of your skin, nor the taste of your lips.

i don't mean that your memory is no longer significant to me. it's just not as significant to me as when you were the girl of my dreams back in high school. instead, you've become my ex-girlfriend from high school.

the only reason why i'm writing this letter is for nostalgia's sake. i miraculously managed to keep all the letters i wrote for you in a box all these years. and what's even more miraculous is that i managed to find them.

i laugh at the person i was. honestly, i was such a desperate young boy with too many ideals forced to come to terms with harsh reality. i was smitten by you the first time i met you. i was completely and utterly infatuated with you until things started to go awry in our relationship. i was stunned out of my dreams when you turned out to be unlike the ideal i had created out of you. i was a heartbroken, lovesick fool from the moment i met you until the moment we drifted apart.

i'm sorry. if i had just realized that my infatuation and idealism had made our relationship toxic from the start, we could have avoided the whole ordeal. of course, you weren't a saint in our relationship, either, but i pushed all of the blame onto you indirectly and directly instead of taking my half of the responsibility. i never treated you right. i certainly thought otherwise, but i never did, and i'm sorry.

i didn't love you as i was supposed to. i certainly could have been "in love" with you, but i never loved you. you deserved to be treated for exactly what you are—a human. and i never gave you that.

but that doesn't mean that our relationship was completely negative. you and i both know that we had good times. if they had just been in a different context, then maybe we would have lasted for that infinity that i so often wrote about. i doubt that, however. our goals were far too dissimilar for that.

i hope you're doing well. if you ever wonder about me, i'm doing very well for myself. i'm actually married now with a young daughter.

she's the most adorable child i could have ever asked for. she walks now and is starting to talk. perhaps i'm still that lovesick fool from high school because i probably dote on her more than i should. but that's okay because she's my baby girl, and i want her to know that she is loved and loved properly.

it's the least i can do as a father.

in any case, this will be the last letter i will ever write to you because, as i wrote in my last one, some memories are better left untouched, and this one has been touched for far too long. i'm even going to burn all of the letters to give myself that final push toward closure.

goodbye, infinity.

sincerely,  
beyond

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading "you & i" up to this point! I hope you've enjoyed it, and if you haven't, that's okay. This honestly wasn't my favorite story to write, but it challenged me as a writer. That's all I wanted from this story.
> 
> I've decided to take a little time to explain why I wrote this story. I've had some people ask me why I bothered to write it even though I'm not the biggest fan of it, so here's my explanation:
> 
> One » I've always wanted to write a lowercase intended story. Some people absolutely abhor it, but for some odd reason I'm completely in love with it. I doubt I'll ever use it again, though. Also, I wanted to try a letter or "dear diary" format for a story, so I just put the two together for this one.
> 
> Two » I wanted a challenge. What better way to do that than to write a story from a lovesick teenage boy's perspective? I honestly was freaking out with the first few chapters because I wasn't sure that the voice sounded exactly like a guy, but I realized later on that I was doing pretty well for myself. It sounds like Beyond, and Beyond is a guy, so it sounds like a guy. Also, I challenged myself by trying to write more purple prose (despite all of my teachers telling me not to in class). I wanted to practice writing fluffy stuff. (I just didn't realize fluff would be so painful.)
> 
> Three » This is my take on relationships. No, I'm not saying that every relationship will crash and burn. My point is that unless the two people in the relationship are working equally as hard (or as equally as possible) to maintain their relationship, whether platonic or romantic, it's not going to work. Someone will get hurt. Perhaps even both. And if there isn't equal effort from either end to heal that wound, it will eventually drive the two apart. Also, infatuation is not love. Infatuation is very self-centered and very dramatic. Love is often quite the opposite (though love can be very dramatic at times). Hopefully Beyond has learned the difference by now.
> 
> In any case, I tried to keep my explanation short. I still have more to say, but you're probably bored of my ramblings (if you're even still reading this), so I'll end it here. Thanks again!


End file.
